


trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

by alittlebitoftheuniverse



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Exes, Exes to Lovers?, I don't know how to tag this but, Is that a thing, M/M, More characters to be added, Past Relationship(s), Single Parents, vax and gilmore used to date and are running into each other years later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-01-23 17:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18554641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitoftheuniverse/pseuds/alittlebitoftheuniverse
Summary: "Well, my goodness..."Vax almost tripped over himself as he looked up into the face of Shaun Gilmore, a little older, a little bit of grey starting to highlight his ponytail but there was no mistaking him, he'd never forgotten that voice and those hands and those eyes."Hi," he breathed.~Vax is back in Whitestone after Keyleth breaks up with him, staying with his sister's family. He runs into an old flame. Y'all know the drill.





	1. Chapter 1

"Uncle Vax," Elaina whined, holding onto Vax's leg. "Freddy keeps looking at me! He's making weird faces!"

"I am not!" Freddy protested, scowling at his younger sister. "I wasn't even looking at you, I was just thinking."

"Well stop thinking at me!" she shot back, with as much venom as her five-year-old body could hold.

"He can't just stop thinking," Johanna huffed, rolling her eyes at both of her siblings.

Vax sighed, lifting Elaina up onto his hip. "Okay, everybody. We're not here to argue. We're just getting ice cream and then going to the park, remember?"

He could tell himself he was regretting offering to take his sister's three oldest children out for an afternoon while she and Percy tried in vain to get the twins to go down for their nap. The truth was, he was enjoying this. He liked to listen to his nieces and nephew's chatter, even when they were bickering. Being back around them meant he was very rarely left in the silence that had plagued him for much too long, following him ever since he'd left Zephrah a year ago, staying with him from place to place until he'd finally shown up on Vex's doorstep again in defeat. Being around them didn't leave him much time to dwell on things he'd rather forget.

Of course, Vex insisted she was delighted to see him and had made him more than welcome in her home, even though he was looking around for his own place. In the meantime, though, he was determined to make himself useful. Hence why he had taken the three children out.

Ordering the ice cream took longer than he'd thought it could possibly take, Freddy changing his mind three times, getting that worried pucker between his eyebrows that was so similar to his father's, before Johanna pointedly told him she thought he wanted cookie dough, which he'd readily agreed to. Vax pulled them out of the line to wait off to the side, absently spinning the shaker of sprinkles that sat on the bar.

"There's Rosie!" Elaina squealed suddenly, and then she had wriggled down and taken off across the ice cream parlor. Vax groaned, shooting after her as she darted toward the door, apparently recognizing the little tiefling girl who had just walked in.

"Lainey!" Vax sighed exasperatedly as he caught up to her, taking her hand. "Don't run off like that! Sorry," he added to the man the little girl was with, hardly glancing up as he picked Elaina up again. "She just gets excited, I guess she knows your...daughter?" The hand holding the tiefling girl's were large and brown and decidedly human, and Vax felt a prickle of recognition at his mind just as the man spoke.

"Well, my goodness..."

Vax almost tripped over himself as he looked up into the face of Shaun Gilmore, a little older, a little bit of grey starting to highlight his ponytail but there was no mistaking him, he'd never forgotten that voice and those hands and those eyes.

"Hi," he breathed, and he blinked quickly, suddenly aware that he was definitely gaping like an idiot. "Um...sorry, Lainey got away from me there..."

"It's all right," Shaun smiled softly, and Vax almost smiled back before realizing the smile was for Elaina and not for him. "She takes ballet with my Rosie," he continued, rubbing a hand over his daughter's head. She beamed up at Vax, revealing a missing tooth. Her hair and her little horns and tail were pink, and they seemed to fade and marble with the bright white of the rest of her skin, and her eyes were a brilliant icy blue.

"Hi," she offered, extending a hand to Vax, and he couldn't help but grin at her as he shook it.

"I'm Vax," he chuckled. "It's nice to meet you." He glanced up at Shaun again, something in his chest tightening a little. "So, ah, is your husband with you? Or is it just the two of you today?"

Shaun blinked, looking confused for a fraction of a second before his expression smoothed out and he shook his head. "Actually, it's just me," he admitted. "Just the two of us, I adopted Rosie on my own when she was a baby."

That took Vax by surprise, but he tried to hide it quickly, bouncing Elaina on his hip. "Oh," he murmured. "Vex didn't tell me that."

Shaun shrugged. "It took a while, but I'd say she was worth the wait" Rosie giggled when he tweaked the bun her hair was pulled back into. His adoration of her was so obvious it made Vax ache, and he opened his mouth to speak, no doubt to say something ridiculously stupid, when Johanna came up behind him, tugging on his sleeve.

"I have our ice creams," she said brightly, leaning around him as her smiled widened. "Hi, Mr. Gilmore!"

Shaun winked at her as Rosie waved excitedly, and Vax found himself taking a little step back.

"We'd better go," he said, trying to put a polite smile back on. "I promised these three we'd go to the park, I'm trying to give Vex a break."

"I see," Shaun nodded, taking Rosie's hand again. "Don't let me keep you, then. I'm sure we'll see each other around."

"Yeah!" Rosie's eyes widened. "You could come to our store! Papa has everything, and I help out all the time! I could help you!"

"Could you?" Vax asked, smiling at her, even as his heart clenched at the mention of the store, of the last time he'd stood there. "I'm sure you're a big help."

"When she's not stockpiling things she wants for herself," Shaun teased gently, smiling fondly at her before his eyes met Vax's. "It's good to see you, Vax'ildan. Send your sister my love, I'm supposed to drop Rosie off for a sleepover this weekend."

"I will," Vax nodded quickly. "It's good to see you too."

The children all chirped goodbyes to each other and then Vax was back on the sidewalk, his nephew and nieces chattering around him again but he barely heard a word, answering them as best he could until they reached the playground. Johanna and Elaina took off for the swings, but Freddy sat by Vax on the bench, looking concerned.

"Are you okay, Uncle Vax?" he asked, wiping ice cream off of his chin. "Didn't you like Mr. Gilmore? He's really nice, and he knows a lot of cool magic tricks!" The boy looked so hopeful, bless him, concerned that Vax didn't like his family friend.

"He's very nice," he agreed, ruffling his hair. "I'm just thinking, honey, you can go play."

Freddy shrugged, and remained seated, leaning against Vax's shoulder. Vax moved automatically to wrap an arm around him, kissing the top of his head, and hoped he didn't look like he was upset. He wasn't upset. He really wasn't.

But. He was going to have a long fucking talk with his sister when he got home.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vax has a conversation with his sister, and makes a trip to Gilmore's Glorious Goods.

"Vex!" Vax called as he let himself in the front door. "Can I talk to you? _Now?"_

His sister seemed to materialize from nowhere, head down as she braided her hair. "Thank the gods, you're here, can you fix this travesty?"

"Mama!" Elaina shrieked, hugging onto her leg. "Guess who we saw!"

Vex blinked, lifting her head. "Oh? Who did you see, my little love?"

Johanna piped up, beaming. "We saw Mr. Gilmore! And Rosie!"

Vax narrowed his eyes as he took in his sister's expression of false surprise as she ruffled Elaina's hair. "Did you? Did you all say hello?"

They each jumped in to tell her about their afternoon, Vax leaning back against the wall with his arms crossed until they finally dispersed and Vex looked up at him, all wide eyes and innocence. "You saw Gilmore, did you?"

Vax scowled, nudging her into the living room, reaching for the bobby pins she had clutched in one hand. "Let me fix you, you look like shit. And you're a fucking awful person, Stubby."

He could tell she was smiling, even with her back turned to him. "Oh? You did see Gilmore, I'm assuming?"

"I did," he huffed. "Did you know he would be there?"

"Brother!" she gasped. "Of course I didn't! I would never do that to you! How was I supposed to know that Gilmore takes his daughter out for ice cream every Friday afternoon?"

"Asshole," Vax grumbled. "I told you I didn't want you meddling in anything else, I think I fucked that one up completely."

Vex chuckled. "He looks good, doesn't he?"

"Fucking fantastic," he groaned. "Straighten your head, stop squirming."

"Sorry," she huffed, reaching back to swat at his leg. "So, what did he say to you?"

Vax wrinkled his nose at the thought. "He said hi. I don't actually think he said anything else to me."

"Ouch," Vex winced. "But I guess I don't really blame him. You haven't spoken to him in years."

Vax pulled her hair tight in the braid, not entirely by accident, and she yelped. "Don't be an asshole, it's true!"

Vax sighed. "Well, what the fuck was I supposed to say to him, Vex? How was I supposed to talk to him again like everything was okay? Was I supposed to act like nothing ever happened?"

Vex turned, pulling her hair out of his grasp and scowling. "You left him," she reminded him. "He was a wreck. And six months later, where are you? Moving to Zephrah with Keyleth! So forgive me, brother, but I can't find it in me to be annoyed at Gilmore for you."

Vax looked down at his hands, his stomach twisting uncomfortably. "I didn't...I'm not annoyed at him. But you can't get mad at me for moving away with Keyleth. I loved her."

"Maybe you did," Vex said, eyes sad. "But he loved you."

Vax couldn't meet her eyes, not when she was looking at him like that. "That was a long time ago," he said. "I'm sure he's moved on by now."

Vex shrugged. "He dated this guy Jarrett about a year after you left. They were sweet, but Gilmore told me it just wasn't going to work out, not as long as he kept worrying about being left again."

Vax did have the decency to feel ashamed at that. "Well...his daughter said I should come by the store sometime."

Vex blinked. "Are you going to go?"

"I might," Vax found himself admitting.

Vex sighed, getting to her feet. "Whatever you feel you need to do, brother. Just...don't go messing about with him again. Don't be cruel."

Vax barely had time to feel hurt before she was gone, still-loose curls fluttering behind her. He scowled after her. Fine. He wouldn't go to Gilmore's.  Not if Vex thought it was such a horrible idea.

~

"Uncle Vax, why're we here?" Freddy asked, keeping a tight hold on Vax's hand as he gazed up at the doorway of Gilmore's Glorious Goods. "We don't need anything from here, Papa said we should go get groceries."

"I know, but your friend Rosie told me I should come by," Vax said, trying to sound casual. "I just haven't been here."

It wasn't a complete lie, Vax noted as he walked inside, pushing aside the beaded curtain. Shaun had obviously expanded since Vax had been a student, the store now seemed much larger on the inside, probably one of Shaun’s own clever enchantments. It was bustling with customers, bent over display cases of jewelry, moving through racks of clothing. And Shaun himself was behind one of two counters, smiling brightly as he wrapped a purchase for a halfling man. Rosie sat on the counter next to him, and it was with a heavy lurch in his stomach that Vax realized she was sitting in what was once his spot, perched next to the register, the perfect place to steal kisses from his then-boyfriend as he worked.

Vax's spot, all the other items on the counter carefully arranged to the side so that he would have room.

He'd sat there the first moment he'd kissed Shaun, and the last time he'd kissed him, and practically every day in between. He'd even sat there the night everything had come crashing down.

“Vax,” Shaun looked up as he approached. “How lovely!”

Vax’s smile slipped at his tone. It was bright, to match the wide smile on his face, but it was the chipper, empty tone he used for his customers. The thought of being just another customer made Vax want to wince, but he tried to pick his smile back up.

“Well, your lovely daughter convinced me that I needed to come by. You’ve expanded a lot, since…” Shaun raised an eyebrow when he trailed off, but Vax only shrugged.

_“Vax!” Shaun laughed as Vax put a hand over his. “You know I’m not done, darling, we can go home when I finish counting.”_

_Vax sighed, taking a deep breath. “No, Shaun, I…I really need to talk to you.”_

“Freddy!” Rosie chirped, hopping off the counter. “You brought your uncle! Hi, Mr. Vax!”

“Oh, no Mr.,” Vax grimaced. “I’m not that old, honey.”

“Oh,” she frowned, looking back at her father worriedly. “But Papa says that’s polite?”

At a pointed look from Shaun, Vax backtracked quickly. “Of course it is, I’m sorry.” He tried another smile. “My manners aren’t the best.”

“That’s okay!” she beamed. “Come look at these bracelets, they got magic on them!”

Vax found himself following her over to the display cases, carefully keeping the smile fixed on his face as she told him about the different enchantments.

_“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”_

_The change in Shaun’s face was so startling that Vax almost took it back. His soft smile, the one Vax had always liked to think was reserved especially for him, crumbled, his eyes wide._

_“I’m sorry, I don’t…”_

_“It’s nothing to do with you,” Vax said quickly, trying to reach for him again. “It’s me, I just…there’s someone else.”_

_Shit. He hadn’t meant to tell Shaun that. Not now. Not ever, really. The wounded noise that came from him was proof enough that Vax talked too much._

_“Did you..?” He sounded like it pained him to even say, gripping the edge of the counter tightly._

_“No,” Vax shook his head. “I haven’t even said anything to her yet, I just…I don’t want to hurt you, Shaun.”_

_Shaun actually laughed at that, something bitter and hard that sounded wrong coming out of his mouth. “Too late for that,” he said tightly, rubbing a hand over his face, then laughing again. “I just…I really thought this was it. I thought_ you _were it.”_

_“Shaun,” Vax tried again, flinching when his attempt to take his hand was met with a cold look, Shaun’s hands withdrawing quickly._

_“Please go,” he said, and he just looked tired, leaning more heavily on the counter, head dropping into his hands. “Just…just go.”_

“See anything you like?” Shaun’s voice made him jump, skittering back from the glass case. Vax started to look up at him, to smile instinctively, but Shaun was looking at the tiefling man standing at the next case over, walking past Vax with barely a glance his way. The smile slipped off Vax’s face faster than if Shaun had slapped it away.

“Freddy,” he called, raising his voice a little. “We need to go, buddy. Still have to get groceries.”

He didn’t miss the way Shaun paused at that, freezing in his tracks just long enough that Vax knew that he’d heard. Vax huffed softly to himself, taking Freddy’s hand when he flew back to his side, brow furrowed anxiously again.

“Bye!” Rosie chirped from where she’d reclaimed her spot on the counter. “Come back soon to Gilmore’s Glorious Goods!” The syllables were a little awkward in a five-year-old’s mouth, but her arms were held wide in the grand sweeping gesture Shaun had always favored. Vax turned just in time to see him cross the floor to her, giving a booming laugh as he tossed her in the air to make her squeal, catching her up in his arms easily.

_“Just go.”_

_Vax stumbled back, back onto the sidewalk, the tears in his eyes finally spilling over. He could still see Shaun through the window, could see how he sank behind the counter, face hidden in his arms, shoulders shaking violently._

Vax looked away, taking a deep breath, and continued out onto the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on that chapter! More should be coming soon! I'm on tumblr @spiky-lesbian and @yasha-pick-me-up, come say hi!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! If you want more content, i'm on tumblr @spiky-lesbian and @yasha-pick-me-up! If you enjoyed this, please consider leaving a comment!


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